Five things you can do when you feel like your relationship is failing.
How do I fix my failing relationship?
I’m asked this question all the time. I hear the panicked voice, the frustrated sighs, the anger and heartache. And the fear. That’s the worst. It’s the fear of losing someone you love. Wondering if they still love you. Can we be fixed? Can we feel in-love again?
If you’re reading this, you may be in terrible pain. Or you may have some doubts about the durability of your relationship. You’re in the right place.
Unfortunately, nobody can tell you if your relationship is going to work out. Not even you. But there are things you can do to better understand where your relationship is, how you got there and, most importantly, how to start feeling better and more secure.
After years of trying to answer the anguished question “how do I fix my relationship?” I’ve distilled my observations and experiences into five very simple steps to help take control of your relationship.
Identify how you feel
Do you feel sad? Angry? Hurt? Disappointed? Afraid? Misunderstood? Naming the emotions involved helps you communicate your experience and can allow for an in-road to discussion. It’s not enough to just say “I feel bad.” Your feelings are important parts of who you are and spending time listening and understanding them is time well spent.
Gather data
Feelings are just… feelings. It’s rarely helpful to take action on feelings or try to challenge a feeling. Instead, use feelings to inspire your own curiosity. Approach your feelings of fear, anger, sadness or confusion like you’d approach an acquaintance you haven’t seen in a long time. Be kind to yourself and listen.
Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself: Why do I feel this way? How long have I felt this way? What evidence do I have that my relationship is falling apart?
Now let me ask you a few questions: do you feel comfortable telling your partner how you feel? Do you trust your partner to respond in a supportive way? Is your communication more negative than positive? How do you feel when you’re alone, without your partner? How do you feel when you’re with your partner?
Brainstorm solutions
Often this is where most couples get stuck. They’ve already tried things such as being kinder, planning dates, leaving the room when arguing, reading self-help books, talking with a trusted friend and taking a vacation or trip together.
If you’ve tried these things and you’re still stuck, it’s time to call a therapist. Most couples wait entirely too long to pick up the phone. Their reactions are polarized – so far apart from one another that they can’t even see the other side of their dilemma. They’re having the same fight over and over.
A therapist helps a stuck couple get off the conveyor belt and have a different conversation. A therapist helps a couple stop destructive communication patterns.
Break the conflict cycle
After a phone call to a therapist and booking an initial session: couples have already done something different in their conflict cycle.
They’ve chosen to hire someone who can see things objectively, who doesn’t have a dog in the fight, and who is expertly trained in teaching effective communication skills.
Develop a plan
It’s taken years to get where they are. And it will take some time to untangle the old ways of interacting that aren’t working.
It’s important for couples to feel comfortable with their therapist, to feel like they are heard and understood by the therapist, and to give the therapy process some time to shift old patterns and allow them to learn new ones.
If you and your partner can get to the planning stage together, that’s a great sign! It means you can:
- communicate your feelings
- identify your common problem
- imagine solutions together
- break the broken cycle
- develop a plan to improve your relationship
Do you feel like your relationship is failing? Don’t wait for it to fix itself. Get help. Schedule a free phone consultation with an experienced couples and relationship therapist now.